i was drowned in a swamp of sadness..

悲しみに押しつぶされそう。
悲しみってわりと慣れてる類いの気持ちなのに
本当に押しつぶされそう。

flashback london

最近。ロンドンの、些細な瞬間のフラッシュバックが、非常にたくさんおこる。帰国直後なみにたくさんおこる。このフラッシュバック。何がいつでてくるのかさっぱりわからない。突然何の前触れもなく「なぜこれが？でもそういえばそうだった」という具合のやつが湧き出てくる、ある意味サプライズな楽しみ。夢と似てる感覚。夢と同じなら、ちょっと分析とかしてみたい。

spring weather cycle

three cold days after four warm days. my mind is influenced by that i think. three anxious nights after some cheereful days

三寒四温を正確に実行する春。サンカンシオンという響きがフランス語みたいだとむかし友人が言っていた。毎年それを思い出す。私もなんだか三寒四温。ずばずば頑張る日々。そのあとに不安すぎて効率がやたら下がってしまう日々。

thinking in the sky

こだわり。執着？大切。信念。芯。がんこ？妥協。柔軟性？必要性。覚悟。見つめる力。それでもやっぱりゆずれない物。どれがnegativeで どれがpossitiveで どれが混乱で どれが勇気で どれが本物の強さ？ みたいな事をぼんやり考えていた。

3 pieces

anxiety. solitude. inpatience.

不安。孤独。焦り。

a critical phase

i am facing a crisis
there's growing sense of crisis
i can't hide anymore
i have to get through it

i am thinking
i am thinking
i am thinking deeeeeeply....　get through it

とにかく。危機感。もうだめだよ。切り抜けろ。
考える。考える。考える。考える。
ごはんを食べている時でさえ。考える。

考える。行動する。敗北する。絶望する。
考える。混乱する。行動する。進展する。
考える.....。紆余曲折。それでもよい。切り抜けろ。

despair and touching moments hit me at once

恵比寿にて。とある展示に行った。
感動した。そして同時に絶望した。
感動と絶望は。時に一緒にやってくるんだと知った。
哀しさのあまり少し泣いた。
だけど。少ししか泣けないくらい、それは本当に哀しかった。

IKEA

i was very very very happy IKEA is in japan with me.
this feeling is much more comfortable and happier than
the feeling when i meet japanese food in foreign country.
im happy to meet IKEA stuff here in japan....
to feel more home in japan!
anyway. that was strange to be in IKEA shop
only with japanese people around..... yes i know i'm also japanese though....

イケアに行った。遠くて大変だけど。
安心な大好きがいっぱい。うれしい。
英語だと。今までずっとアイキアって言ってたから。
いまだにアイキアって言ってしまう。
でも。オリジナル国のスウェーデンをはじめ、
他のどの国もイケアって呼んでるのに。

losing the plot and hiding in toilets.

nothing monster hit me or rather
that is negative monster this time.
this negative monster is very scareing me.
this negative ness is very similar with gravitation. collapse.

i have to say.
i am increadiblly weakened.
im not saying i am weak. maybe....not. or i don't know.
but at least now i am really weakened.
and fuckin negative. this is really shit.

but i don't want to be real shit.
so i will try to go flying with shining power later.
yes later. but maybe not now.
and i don't know when. but later definitly.
i haven't given up. i'm still hanging..... later later.....
am i ? yes???

im not confused.
rather very calm.
but this calm ness is more than boring.
this is despair. d e s p a i r.

重力が。人の心を地の底まで引きずり込む。

dead silency anger

h e l p m e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e s a v e m e e e e e e e
i d o n t k n o w w h a t i c a n d o b u t s h o u t i n g h e l p m e . . .
i d o n t k n o w w h a t i w a n t t o b e h e l p e d o r h o w o r b y w h o . . .
i j u s t w a n t t o b e s a v e d m e f r o m h e r e . . .
i c a n t a c c e p t m y s e l f n o w . . .

分かっているのは。受入れる事ができないってこと。こんな自分を。

up and down (down version)

im not maybe tired.
but absolutely confused.

not always
but indeed very often.

i dont like it... i know!

-
up and down
up and down
slow fast
slow fast...
(night crusing)
-

heres too far
too far
and
too separated
from there and everything...

i want to be 100% purely happy
i want to experience to be 100% purely happy ... once more...

ah. i mean. maybe.

i want to get my mind status
as that i can feel more happy towards the happies
and as that i can keep those happies longer in my mind
to keep me happy

because sometimes i am actually happy!!
( like after going to hair dresser )

but. soon. thats gonna be corapsed.
because
the empty monster / nothing monster hit me to get me confused.

but i dont know...
are those monsters my enemies?
or..... could be friends?

anyway. what am i talkin bout?!

inferiority monster

i never wanted to be me
fuckin damn shit ugly loser
ugly ugly ugly ugly u g l y
im a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

sadistically disturbing again

gift from my sadistic star = pain

the one cant be loved by da one who the one love all the time
the one cant love da one who loves the one all the time

again and again and again and again

no one cant decide the one who fall in love with

crashed like a bug in the ground (let down)

am tired

とにかく悲痛だってこと。

dizzy / coma

recognizing the moment
of the slide into
the moment entering

a s t r a l p r o j e c t i o n ?

sound... far away
what this some like filters between ear and sound?

don't understand what i am seeing
but i recognize clearly
substances, space, and colors are incidenting into my sight

walking? moving?
such senses... whats that?
disappeared

like walking moving flying in dreams
recognizing it but not feeling it

then. different strange part of the sense becomes very sharp
sharpness only at the moment
i rather love that

space i can meet only in a coma
sound i can hear only in a coma
sharpness i can get only in a coma

experience of an anaemic person

昏睡状態のシャープな視覚がわりと好きなんだ。

fantasy

fantasy... is

not real and probably will never be ???

no
rather truth
the beautiful one

do you understand?

moratorium

moratorium

a childish young person who does not want to grow up

i a m

d a n g e r o u s l y c o n f u s e d.
i n s h o r t. i am l o s t.
l o s t i n T o k y o i n J a p a n.
i spent some time in tokyo for that one week.
visited several places. i met somepeople there.
went to an exhibition. and watched a film.
those were nice.
b u t. i j u s t d o n t k n o w.
i c a n ' t f e e l i a m e x i s t i n g p r o p e r l y.
i a m n o t b r i n g i n g m y s e l f w i t h m e.
N e i t h e r idea nor energy s p r i n g f r o m m e.
i c a n c r e a t e o n l y t e a r s at m i d n i g h t.
at midnight means at noon or evening in a different world.
i a m a t t a c k e d by i l l u s i o n o f t h a t i h a v e b e e n forgotten b y e v e r y o n e.
b y e v e r y s i n g l e p e r s o n.
if i k e e p t o l i v e in h e r e or e v e n D I E i n h e re,
i a m s u r e, n o b o d y s u r e l y n o t i c e s.
m i d n i g h t i s d a n g e r o u s e. i m a y b e a b l e to k i l l m y s e l f.